Draggin' It... And It's All Uphill

So being thin has been a goal/dream/hope of mine since, like, FOREVER, and I was, once or twice.  The first time I realized I wasn't "ideal" sized was when I was in about 4th grade. After that, forevermore, I worried about my size, shape, and weight.  I've never been "good enough".  In high school I was thin for the first time - I was in track for 3 years & cross-country for the last 2 & ran enough to make it happen - but I still had a complex.  No special diet per-se, just a lot of running & a 17 year-old's metabolism. I was 142 lbs when the coach came around, and I don't remember why, but we had to give our weights, and I was so embarrassed to tell my weight because everyone elses was so much less (10 - 25 lbs under mine). But looking back, I'm pissed, because I was actually just fine, and I looked good & I was healthy. I wish someone could have validated that for me back then - it really could have helped, I think.

Then I went to college & gained the freshman 15... or 25. How does one do that with ramen noodles (ick)? I suppose the Taco Bell runs at 11:45 pm didn't help. And then my sophomore year in college, I became thin again - I got down to 132ish.  I worked out every night, running a couple of miles, riding the bike for 10 minutes, then doing Nautilus weights for about 1/2 hour... and I was bulimic. I was really good at hiding it, if I do say so myself - the people closest to me had no idea. I started over Christmas Break, lost 15 lbs in a month, and decided that was brilliant, since it was easy & I could still at least eat the food before purging it, so I continued purging (not so much binging, just eating my meals, then "getting rid of them") until the following summer, and every once in a while for years & years after, when "the need" arose & I panicked & was compelled to by some sick feeling that I totally screwed up my eating & had to fix it fast.  Even now, 20 years later, I get that strange urge & somewhere in my head is that voice whispering to me, "Hey, it worked before..."  However, it is not something I am willing to give in to anymore. I am afraid of it & what it will do to me.

Sooo, with all that said, I'm on the quest to lose the weight AGAIN, for the 3rd time, but this time forever. 3rd time is the charm, right? My amazing aunt, Clare, who is a personal trainer is helping me do it right, and I love her even more for helping me be healthy, not just thin.  I've kind of come to grips with the idea that I will never be "society-thin". Never.  (Thank you, media & super-models who have corrupted our little and not-so-little girl's thoughts about "ideal" - thanks for giving us unrealistic "ideals" to shoot for. I hate you for that. Just thought you should know.)  But, in spite of stupid societal ideals of what girls & women should look like, I have decided that I'm doing what is good for me. And I will lose weight & be the best me I can be. It took me 15+ years to gain all of this weight - I am just hoping it doesn't take that damn long to come back off. Freakin' fat. : p 

Here goes the public part of this.  I started running June 25th, weighing 236.4 lbs (Wow - really? Putting that right out there? Guess it's motivating, if nothing else... other than embarrassing! I guess it isn't like I'm shocking anyone with the fact that I'm overweight, right? Like, "*Surprise!* I'm fat!"  *gasps all around* "No WAAAYYY!!!"). I had to start with running 3 blocks, walking one, then gradually erased the walking part until it was all running on July 8th - made it the whole mile. Seriously, if you are even THINKING about getting out to start exercising, it isn't cheating to do what your body says you can do.  You don't need to be a marathon runner on the first day off the couch.  Just don't be a wuss and pretend you can't do it at all- gotta push yourself, ya know... but get out & do something and work your way up to where you want to be. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Do it for you! I am, and to hell with anyone who laughs at my fat girl "sprints". Eventually, I'll do better than a 14 minute mile. :)

Today my angel, Clare, informed me that I need to run further TONITE. So I did. :) I ran 1.5 miles (in 21.01 minutes), as directed, made it the whole way without stopping, and actually kinda felt like I could run more! Wooo, go me! I need to figure out a 2 mile route - I don't wanna just run the 1 mile loop twice. : p I need new horizons to chase, new vistas to view... LOL... or maybe doing the same thing all the time is boring! And last time I checked (this morning) I was down to 234.4, so I've lost 2 lbs (in a month... which kinda sucks, but it's probably my own fault through eating wrong).  I'm trying to cut out carbs & eat more green food & healthier foods... but I'm sure I'll get into the whole food thing another time.  Until then, I'll be running & trying & not giving up... and I'll post again soon. :)