Saturday, September 3, 2011

Please Don't Say Anything Nice To Me

Please, don't tell me anything good about me or my teaching. I can block out the hurt and pain of the negatives most of the time - sadly, I have grown used to it (due to politics & negative media, not because I am a sucky teacher!); However, kindness and compliments get right through to my heart, and I guess my heart is attached to my tear ducts. It keeps making me cry to hear it - I don't know if I can stand it one more time. I'm too used to hearing the opposite, I guess. And sometimes, just... sometimes I don't know who or what to believe anymore.
I don't know what my problem is. I'm mad, heartbroken, frustrated, & I keep crying at random things at random times. I just keep hoping no one else sees it, somehow. Maybe it's getting the crap beaten out of me & my colleagues on a daily basis in the media. Maybe it's people bashing me and my profession every time I turn around. Maybe it's frustration that I have become the scapegoat for all of Wisconsin (or the country's) economic woes. Maybe it's how I don't hear anything good about teachers - only about how one teacher abused a student, how another one was caught with a prostitute, how a 3rd (a principal, no less) has used his school account to buy $17,000 of random personal crap. Almost never about the teacher who spent hundreds on his students because they couldn't afford supplies. Almost never about the teacher who spent the entire summer in getting her room ready & studying curriculum so she was ready to reach every student who crosses the threshold. Certainly not how I will be living on at least $3600 less this year while some senator complains that he can't make ends meet on his $175,000 salary. I can barely pay for the gas to get to work after the bills, school loans, mortgage, & groceries are paid for every couple weeks. And if you do see that kind of an article, then spend time reading the comments, it's a litany of ills that the public has suffered at the hands of all of their rich, benefit-touting teachers & the belittling of the author of the article for saying ANYTHING positive about such horrid people as teachers. We are the leeches of society. We don't do anything worth being proud or happy about. We are sucking the life out of everyone & everything with our high pay & benefits, which apparently we don't deserve, even though we are professionals trained at a university just like every other professional whatever out there who makes six figures and get some benefits on top of that. I think it is great that they get that. Working people deserve it... unless they are teachers.
That is what we hear and KEEP hearing every day. Well, I'm here to tell you... I am not the problem. But no one wants to hear what I have to say - I'm just a damn teacher. And I'm heartbroken. And it keeps getting worse every day. And I'm one of the lucky ones - I work in a district that is supportive of teachers and what we do. My colleagues are amazing people and fabulous teachers who make a difference every day. Our superintendent, principals, & school board are invested in what we do and WANT to be involved in making school a good place to be. They spent time on Tuesday telling us in our back to school breakfast how the things we do for kids is to be commended. That the things we do for kids make a difference. That the things we are doing are right, moral, and have integrity, in spite of the way society & the media portray us and the things we do in our schools. In spite of the way we are being villainized on a daily basis. And I cried. And I tried not to let anyone else sitting on the cafeteria benches for 2 1/2 hours with me see it - because I didn't understand why it happened. They just said some nice things about us, after all...
Then on Wednesday, we were required to go to a speaker. We went to listen to Jamie Vollmer - a business man who used to tell schools how they need to run like a business, get more efficient, but was "taught" by a veteran teacher that there is no way to really do that. He now continues to give speeches to teachers & probably anyone else who will be willing to listen, but it is a very different message than his original - he has been in schools to observe and work with students & teachers and he has seen what goes on there now. (I wonder if he gets much "outside the profession" work - not many people want to listen anymore.) The entire district was required. Like, I got back, and the UPS guy was going crazy because he had to have someone sign & there was not a soul to be found - I got the privilege. LOL! Anyway, nobody really wanted to go - we have so MUCH we have to do at the beginning of the year to get ready, but we all went. I felt like I would be listening to him preach to the choir, but we were told to be there, so we all went. And he was absolutely amazing to listen to. I am so thankful that I went, listened, and took the time out of my schedule of "things to do" to let him give us his message to schools. He talked to us about the power that we do have. He talked to us with respect. He talked to us as professionals. He talked to us like we actually have value. And I cried. I cry as I write this. And I'm not sure why...
But I think it is because someone out there "gets it" who ISN'T a teacher. Someone actually gives a damn. Someone feels like what we do is valuable. And for me, he validated the reasons I became a teacher in the first place, in spite of my initial reluctance to go hear him and give up the time I so desperately needed to spend in my room to get ready for parents & students coming in the next morning. It was worth getting up hours early the next morning so I could keep working in my classroom, then spending 13 hours at school getting ready, meeting, greeting, answering questions about new math curriculum with parents, and making students feel welcome and comfortable in their new grade, in their new math class. It was worth the tears I cried as I listened to him because it made me remember why I was there at school on a beautiful August day again. It took my focus off of politics and media attacks. It took me out of the Democrat vs. Republican polarization that is happening in our country. It let me feel free of the hatred that even some of my extended family apparently feel and express about teachers, if only for a while.
I do what I do because I love my job. I love my students - even on "those days" when prep time comes and I have to close the classroom door for a moment of solitude because it was hour after hour of insane busy-ness - no time to pee, hour after hour of me working my ass off to get kids to understand, learn, and just TRY, and hour after hour of some kids not living up to their potential when I know there is genius inside those heads. And I know I will be back the next morning to try again. Even if the bad things AND the good things make me cry. Because kids matter. Because it is the right thing to do. Because I love my job & because, most importantly, I love my students.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for saying what so many of us feel everyday. Altoona is lucky to have you because of your dedication and love of teaching! Your students are lucky because you WILL make a difference in their lives. Your family is lucky because your heart is huge. I am lucky because I get to call you friend! You are awesome and worth it!! We will not let "the crap" and its followers get us down. Smiles, Stacey

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  2. I once heard a certain Altoona Middle School teacher - possibly even the author of this blog post - counsel a student in the hall, just outside of their classroom. I was quietly waiting for my son to meet me after school and was out of sight of this particular teacher and student. Their conversation went something like this: Teacher: "Sweetie, you know you're better than this. I've seen you do better on your work and we both know you're smart enough." Student, meekly: "I know." Teacher: "Don't let others influence you. You know you've got what it takes - I know you've got what it takes. Let me help you. We'll stay after class together and work on the difficult concepts." Silent student. A sniffle. Teacher: "But you've got to want to do better. You've got to want to prove yourself. No one can do that work for you. Let me help you." Student: "ok. thank you."
    Teachers, you know who you are. Thank you from me and from my children.

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